Friday, May 29, 2009

Kerrzy’s Notebook: Drugs, Guns and Hats

I’ll admit I’ve been pretty preoccupied with the Stanley Cup playoffs these last two months. I feel like I’ve been kind of neglecting every other sport recently, but it’s not my fault. Playoff hockey has me hooked!

Things are starting to wind down though with the Stanley Cup Final underway (Lets Go Red Wings!!!!!), so I’ve had some time to check out what else is going on in sports. And here it is:

Good News for Big Papi

With Manny Ramirez on the sidelines until July and the Toronto Blue Jays suddenly waking up from the best dream of their lives, baseball is getting a bit boring again.

To make matters worse, if you’re a David Ortiz fan (which I am), there is even less to cheer about.

The man who hit 54 homers just three seasons ago has put just ONE over the bleachers in over 40 games so far this season (and it was against the Jays, to boot!).

But there’s a light at the end of the tunnel.

The Onion Sports Network is reporting that the MLB has adjusted its drug policy to let Big Papi take steroids, for the good of the game.

MLB commissioner Bud Selig was quoted as saying “Baseball is pretty boring when [Ortiz] is not hitting home runs,” adding that under the new rules, he could be suspended for 50 games if drug tests show he is not taking any previously banned substances.

“The game of baseball needs him to do the responsible thing and superhumanly whack balls over the fence whenever possible,” Selig said.

Oh, bummer. Someone just informed me that the Onion is a parody website. Quick, somebody tell David Ortiz!!!!!

Burress Going to Miami?

Plaxico “Cheddar Bob” Burress will be in court next month facing serious jail time, but he’s still thinking football.

Burress could be eating prison food for over three years for that whole shot himself with his unlicensed gun fiasco from a while back, but he told the Miami Herald recently that he would love to join the Dolphins.

If it was between jail and pro football, I’m pretty sure Burress would love to join the Detroit Lions if it came down to it.

The former New York Giants star has a house in Miami and spends his off-seasons there, but I know the real reason he wants to play for the Dolphins:

Florida is where his gun was registered before it expired and he’s still not a very good shot. So his thinking is, if he shoots himself by accident again, at least he’ll be in the right state!

Leo is a Man of Many Hats

When he’s not starring in blockbuster movies, Leonardo “Jack Nicholson Jr.” DiCaprio can usually be found watching the LA Lakers from his courtside seats at the Staples Center or some other NBA arena.

Recently, the National Post noticed something interesting about the Titanic star – he seems to be making up for not attending college by pretending he went to every college!

It seems Leo is a man of many hats – and is never seen wearing the same one.

Oh yeah, the reason he didn’t go to college was because he was too busy playing the role of Jack Dawson in the dreams of girls around the entire world and making millions of dollars.

Excuses, excuses.

Smack a Penguin!

This is for the Red Wings fans among us:

Ever feel like Smackin’ a Penguin? I certainly do. Luckily, the Detroit Free Press has made that dream a reality!


Not to be outdone, the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette has posted a game of it's own opponent-bashing game ahead of game one of the Stanley Cup Final.

It's called "Two-Face Takedown" - the point of the game is to punch out "Detroit's No. 81" (which is former Penguin Marian Hossa).
Let Kerrzy read it to you here:

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